Burden of mistakes

I am a perfectionist.
That is one of my strong point as well as being my weakest point.
I want things to be done to the BEST. When I mean best, it means to the best of my ability and beyond.
I get depressed when I could not reach the pinnacle.
Life, I feel, is pretty worthless at that point in time. I could not reach the top as I have expected.

Others might say, it is good to have high expectation of yourself.
But there is a weight I carry on my shoulders everyday.
I want to do the best in everything. EVERYTHING.
I get drastic mood swings from moments to moments in my daily routine.
I binged on food when I am stressed.
As a result, bad complexion and overweight issues came in.
Frankly speaking, I cant even recognised myself anymore.
Ever since I can remember, I will do self-beration for every single mistake I made during the day. And of course, as I berated myself, the events for the rest of the day get worse and worse. 
If I do something wrong this time, I will avoid doing those things.
I started to filter off those things.
For example, I feel very shy when I am in front of strangers. I feel very awkward where I placed my hands, the way I walk, the way I eat and the way I talk.
There is absolutely no grace in my body movements compared to others.
I also feel very awkward when I talk to others. When mum found out, she tried to rectify this. She would instruct me to run errands. I got sweaty palms thinking about the upcoming interactions with others. I would rehearse in my mind what I want to say, how to order and how to make my requirements clear to others.
But I still made a boo-boo out of myself. The language I used wasnt quite the same as the hawkers. From their body language, they seem to be rediculing me for not speaking properly.
I was devastated.
It was a horrifying experience.
From then, I dreaded the call from mum to run errands for her.
I fear interactions with others.
Of course, that becomes my obstacles in life from then onwards.


I hated myself for making mistakes. It just makes me look, feel stupid in front of others. I might portray a heck-care attitude in front and bull-doze my way through but I still berate and condemn myself mentally.
I am not stupid but why do I act stupid? Am I really that stupid?

As the days passed, I soon realise to my horror, the burden of keep reminding myself about my mistakes is too heavy for me to carry. I was crushed under the weight of it.
I missed out opportunities. I missed out a lot of fun along the way just to be in the comfortable position I feel safe in.
I tried to move myself out of inertia.
Very painful.
I feel very agitated.
I cant tell my parents about it.
I dont want them to worry.
I struggled to keep myself think positively but I dunno how. Posters and motivation quotes dont work for me.

Any ideas on how to do it and sustain it? I keep regressing. So worried that I will fall into abyss.